Whether are 14 or 40, we have avoided sharing certain bits of information with members of our family. Why do we do this? Who does it benefit? Do we withhold information or avoid the same topics when we are teenagers as when we are adults? What kind of impact do these choices have on our relationships?
Most of the research on topic avoidance has studied dating or married partners. The reasons why one might choose to avoid certain hot button items often then relate to feelings of uncertainty about the relationship – if I bring up this topic what will my partner think of me, will he wonder whether to stay in the relationship? These reasons have been summarized as self protection (from embarrassment or vulnerability), relationship protection (maintain strength, avoid deterioration), conflict prevention, partner unresponsiveness, lack of closeness, and privacy concerns (Caughlin & Afifi, 2004).
The few studies that have examined topic avoidance in younger cohorts, particularly between adolescents and their parents, noted a connection to feelings about privacy rather than uncertainty. Adolescents tended to avoid topics on relationship issues, dating experiences, negative life experiences, friendship issues, sexual experiences, and social inappropriateness (Guerrero & Afifi, 1995).
But what do we do when we are older? We know that family rules factor into our decisions about personal information – when are we to be open and share, when are we to remain silent and private, what do we tell to everyone and what do we tell to no one. But how does this really play out? Do the rules of the game change as we get older, and, therefore, so do the things we avoid?
When we are younger, our reasons for avoiding certain topics often have to do with protecting ourselves and our private lives. However, as we grow older, our rationale may change to that of protecting our aging parents – protecting their feelings of independence, assuring their role as head of the family, protecting their ideals of family life, or sheltering them from upsetting family news.
However, there will become a point, usually through accident, injury or illness, that these once avoided topics come to the forefront. And as much as we may want to continue pushing aside these topics, we have to remember that avoidance ultimately harms our relationships and our personal well-being. Avoidance can make you sick. Don’t be like the Cowardly Lion. Just have a little heart!
At Orella Associates, we claim that different stages in life, need different places to live. The realization that this is true could be prompted by any one of life’s milestone events like graduating from college, getting married, buying your first house, having your first child, or having your third child. It could also be prompted by one of life’s bittersweet moments, such as having all your last child graduate from college, getting divorced, having surgery, or being laid-off. These events often trigger change in our lives. Feelings of what’s important personally, what one wants to do professionally or even where one wants to live physically are not the same as before these events.
When cleaning out my closet, I found an interesting article from an old Area Development (AD) magazine. It described the factors that drive Corporate location change. These included:1) changes in the global marketplace, 2) changes in the demand for labor, 3) internal company changes, 4) industry changes, 5) changes in the community, and 6) rapid changes in technology. I started to wonder. Do they also apply to residential location change?
There were two very different stories in today’s newspaper about aging in New Jersey. The front page story announced that there will be no silver lining for those in their golden years. AARP just completed a survey of 400 New Jersey residents over the age of 50, which showed their top concerns to be about health care and economic issues. Many of those surveyed were having a difficult time making ends meet. This is not surprising considering that many participants were relying on Social Security benefits to pay their expenses, expenses (such as utilities and property taxes) which keep rising in an already costly state. In addition, some participants were caught in the proverbial financial sandwich – paying caregiving expenses for an elderly parent while also paying education expenses for college age children. Those who responded did not make retirement or living in New Jersey sound like much fun.
[From a proposal submitted to the National Bureau of Economic Research]
